It started when, just after writing my previous entry, I began to sift through the graduate information I had lying around, in search of any paper applications I could find. I found two. And it made me begin to think.
Yesterday, Pix and I went to Easton, and Pix made the comment that we were not at all suited to the impoverished college student life, if only based on our taste in clothing and food. This is true. And yet, here I am, spending a great deal of time and money and effort (not to mention probably half my hair from stress), preparing to live the rest of my life in an impoverished collegiate state.
First of all, despite Michel (formerly Benedick, now using Pixie's pseudonym) quoting confidently that "if you're paying for graduate school, you're doing something wrong," it's looking unpleasantly likely that I might very well be paying my way through graduate school. I'm being told from several different sources that, if you don't get one of the Big Scholarships (Rhodes, Marshall, Mellon, etc), the economy is doing so badly right now, and the market is so flooded with applicants, that graduate students are no longer getting money. At least not unless they can demonstrate genuine financial need or some racial affiliation that isn't Asian.
And we know I can do neither.
Now, what really started me on this path can be boiled down to two things.
1. The presence of the BitchQueen in the English Department. Still. Why does this girl dog my footsteps????? I suppose the upside is that she couldn't get into anyplace better. The downside is that she's still there. Oh, and even though she was having a perfectly civilised conversation with my advisor, she completely refused to acknowledge that I was in the room. Ah politeness. It's apparently underrated nowadays.
2. The lovely little portion on several of my applications that asks you to list your publications. Heh. Yeah, I'm published. We made books in first grade. Does that count?
So, the long and short of it is I'm having some second thoughts. A very bad time to have them, for sure, but I don't suppose one can predict these things. The first problem is, of course, admission. The previously listed group of schools are hardly practical targets, and as much as I'd love to think myself so high, I'm nowhere near the top of my class here, even within my majors. My GRE scores, while good, are not spectacular, and I simply don't have the time to retake them. Not everyone has to go to graduate school, but with my majors, I can't get anywhere with just a B.A.
The second problem is funding. As mentioned above, my chances of getting funding, despite all previous knowledge to the contrary, seem fairly slim. Even the Ivies are cutting back, especially in humanities departments. We never have money. It's a fact of life. And I'm not sure going into enormous debt for a Ph.D in Comparative Literature is the best thing to do.
My parents were hinting that I should try law school. My friends stared at me in utter shock at the very thought. I presume it's on account of my lacking the personality to be a lawyer. If it's that I'm not smart enough...well...whatever. Maybe I'm not. But the thought is still popping up every now and then. Of course, it would involve surviving law school, which is cutthroat if ever anything was. Atropos has confirmed this, and he's loving every minute there.
The other option is selling my soul and trying for an MBA. The thought of taking business courses and spending the rest of my life behind a desk, however, sends my brain screaming for the hills. So, perhaps not.
Which leaves me at an impasse. I hate impasses, yet I always seem to be running into them. Sigh.
And that concludes the Rant o'the Day.